Jennifer Finlayson-Fife "From Conflict to Connection"
Discover the hidden patterns that keep married couples stuck and learn practical tools for building trust, collaboration, and lasting peace.
From a letter addressed to Dr. Finlayson-Fife:
“My husband and I have always struggled to resolve conflict in our marriage. Lots of hostility and verbal and emotional abuse from both sides. We both have perpetuated terrible dynamics and patterns that I'm currently working to change. Recently, I hit rock bottom and I've researched so much about how to resolve conflict better. And I'm currently in therapy. I'm working on breaking some of the patterns, but it is rough. … I don't feel physically unsafe or anything. We just really suck at the small disagreements, and I'm just feeling very, very discouraged. How do you stay in it and continue to break unhealthy patterns and dynamics even when your partner isn't at the same pace you are?"
Here’s an excerpt from Dr Finlayson-Fife’s response:
“A lot of times people come to me saying they have a communication problem in their marriage. They imagine if they could communicate better, they would see eye to eye. But the truth is that couples are often expert communicators--communicating all the ways they see the world differently than their spouse. They're not struggling to get their ideas across. What they're struggling with is dealing with those differences, in dealing with what is inconvenient but real. In these moments, most of us resort to communication patterns--behaviors--that express a different goal than being understood or collaborating. The unspoken goal is to prevail--to get our view to dominate and to change our spouse.
Someone wrote, "It's so ironic how wanting to win is so often a losing strategy."
“Yes, absolutely. In any partnership, prevailing may get you the thing you want--you may get your spouse to relent, but it will undermine the friendship, trust, and genuine peace in the marriage. Our impulse to prevail usually works against a more important goal which is the goal of true peace in a relationship, the goal of a happy marriage. So communication problems are rarely about misunderstanding each other. They are usually problems of self-regulation---they reveal our struggle with invalidation from a spouse and our difficulty making room for another soul.
Most of us are driven by the desire to get our way. We want to be loved in a way that gives us what we want. We are upset when a spouse doesn't make us feel good about ourselves. In fact, that's why most of us get married--to secure someone who has promised God to love us no matter how immature we are. And then when that doesn't happen, we convince ourselves we can critique them and act like a victim when their humanity and differences show up.
When we realize our spouse was not designed to reinforce us and gratify all of our desires, we often start wondering if we married the right person. In these moments of frustration, couples often bring out their darkest, most self-serving selves--especially around issues that matter most.
We can't make other people respect us, but we can operate in a way that increases our self-respect. By cultivating a deeper self-reference--greater access to the courageous and honest part of ourselves--we can access a deeper source from which we can build bridges across differences and create honest connection and shared meaning in a marriage.”
Want to learn how to do that better in your marriage? Come to Dr. Finlayson-Fife’s four-hour workshop "From Conflict to Connection: Creating Peace in Marriage"
She’s offering TWO sessions: FRIDAY, OCT 25 at 8:30 am and SATURDAY, OCT 26 at 8:30 am. Purchase a ticket to any workshop and get a FREE ticket to Jim Ferrell’s keynote “The We-ness of Repair” on THURSDAY, OCT 24 at 6 pm.
Workshop Description: We tend to polarize into self-protective positions when we confront painful conflicts with those we love. These ego-driven stances are intuitive but they keep us from creating true solutions and genuine peace in our marriages. This workshop will help you see what your pattern of engagement is, how it keeps you from the peace you desire and what you can do instead. We will practice the self-awareness and self-regulation that are necessary for collaboration in the face of conflict with our spouses.
WORKSHOP OUTLINE:
Marriage and it’s discontents: Why the honeymoon ends. (30 minutes)
How we handle disappointment determines the marriage. (45 minutes. Includes video examples).
Using our conflicts as springboards for growth. (30 minutes)
Tools for difficult conversations. (45 minutes)
Role play and practice (60 minutes)
BIO: Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is an LDS relationship and sexuality coach with a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. She is the author of That We Might Have Joy: Desire, Divinity, and Intimate Love and the creator of six online courses that help individuals and couples create happier lives and stronger intimate relationships. She also hosts Room for Two, a popular sex and intimacy podcast, and is a regular guest on LDS-themed podcasts discussing relationships, faith, and sexuality.